Of Tired of Waiting

There are people around the world who worries about real issues, like fighting lupus, cancer, and how do you deal with suddenly having to care for two young nephew and niece.

Made my problems seem so small. 

Shit.

I miss him a lot. Small things like prawns made me think of him.

Whenever we eat prawns, he'll break the head off his prawn, and put it on my plate.

Because i told him once i love sucking the juice off a prawn's head.

Because i cook a lot of late, i need to clean up the dishes as well. Cleaning the dishes and the sink made me think of him too. If he was around, he'll clean these dishes up himself. My cooking might be up to his standard, but not my cleaning.

It's been 95 days now. 95 days of my own personal Vietnam war. It's the rule of the jungle in my head.

When i miss him, i question my integrity. Should i just let my guard down and tell him how i feel? 

[Oh no, you don't, loser. When you miss him, just acknowledge that feeling and let it go.]

People say I will find a nice gentleman someday. I think these people see a tall nerd who works as an engineer or a lawyer. Even a doctor.

I should have died you know. When someone you spent half you life with said he doesn't love you anymore, you should die. And you would want to die. The pain when it all happened could send a fatal signal to your brain, shutting you down forever. 

But it's surprising to know that you don't die from a heartbreak. The heart has the capability to heal on its own if you allow it to.

I wish i could tell him to come home, but i know he's still searching for himself.

And I'm getting tired of waiting.

Of Food Slut

Just like Elizabeth Gilbert while she was in Italy, I want to indulge in the pleasure of food. 

I want to start a relationship with nasi kandar and nasi briyani. Then I shall allow myself a roti canai every day for dessert. And hey, who cares if I have two dinners everyday?

While I'm at it, why limit my relationships with local food? I will bite into every international cuisine available! I want to marry pizza and have pasta babies! Big, thick, creamy pasta, white, red, or green.

Seeing Julia Roberts eating plates after plates of pasta is really making me hungry right now. Is it even humanly possible to still fit into my size 2 frame if i choose to be a food slut?

Did i tell you that i can make the most addictive french fries drench in salt, mustard, and vinegar? Here's the recipe:

Author's Salt, Vinegar, Mustard French Fries

Ingredients 
French Fries
Salt
Vinegar
Mustard

Instructions
1. Fry the fries
2. When the fries have turned golden brown, place them into a container
3. While the french fries are still hot, drizzle salt, vinegar and mustard into the container
4. Close the lid of the container, shake it, and serve the sinful fries.

Of Planet of the Apes

I spent Thaipusam drinking home made soy milk and watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

This story is about Caesar, the chimpanzee with high IQ. He spent years living with the dreamy James Franco, and suddenly, he was removed from his comfort zone and was sent to a primate shelter. Caesar faced a new challenge; facing a new surrounding and a butt ugly alpha primate named Rocket. Rocket bullied Caesar, making Caesar intimidated by the other apes.

After weeks of unsuccessful attempts to free Caesar from the primate shelter, Caesar stopped trusting James Franco, and started to work on things that he could control.

Like, starting a revolution against humanity.

Wow! Halfway thru the movie, i though, this chimp fella just doesn't quit, does he? I've never seen such perseverance and determination. Caesar showed me much more sense than any men I've met in my entire life.

And in his perseverance and determination, he stumbled on a purpose, a different life path that leads to a bigger meaning than staying at home putting on jeans in James Franco's house.

This is satisfying really, because at the end of the movie, he held no contempt for James Franco. His head is in the right place. He's home.

I know this is fiction but how come I can relate to the movie?

Watching this movie got me ruminating on my path. I'm 80 days away from my graduation. I'm so much better now. I still think about him but nothing he does will break me down. I've never hated him for leaving. I still love him.

I can do away with this entire deadline bullshit. However, i don't know why the deadline is there in the first place, but i know i need it. You can't hurry progression of something amazing.

That's why I'm staying on the course.

Of Beef Rendang

Saturday means I'll cook if i feel like it.

And this week, I did cook because Dude from Work requested for beef rendang.

I have never cooked rendang before. I've cooked various types of fried rice, experimented with anchovies sambal (and never quite got it right), and nasi lemak, but rendang never really crossed my mind.

Cooking rendang, particularly beef, required lengthy preparation time. You need to boil the beef for about two hours prior, to make sure they're tender. You will know a beef rendang was cooked by an amateur; you'll need a new set of teeth because the beef are as hard as stone.

And then there's also the blending of onions, garlics, lemongrass, ginger, tumeric, and dried chillies to make a paste! That alone will take you about thirty minutes.

And then there's the simmering. If you want it dry, you have to simmer the rendang for an hour or so.

Cooking rendang is hard work, but when you served it and your guests compliments you, it's really worth the effort and you KNOW you deserve a cooking show in Asian Food Channel and be the next Nigella Lawson.

For a heaty Beef Rendang meal, this is my recipe:

This Single's Stories Beef Rendang Recipe (Serves 4-6)
Estimated prep. time: Three hours
Note: Goes well with white rice or bread!


[To Blend]
3 Red Onions
Plenty of Garlic
5 stalks of lemongrass
Half a ginger
Half a turmeric
10 to 20 pieces of dried chillies (soak the dry chillies in hot water for 10 minutes before blending)

One teaspoon of salt
One tablespoon of brown sugar
Two chicken stock cubes
8 tablespoons of Kurma or Curry powder
5 pieces of kaffir leaves
three pieces of turmeric leaves
One packet of Santan
One cup of assam jawa juice
One kilogram of local beef (choose local beef because local beef tends tenderized faster)

Instructions:
1. Boil the beef for one and a half to two hours.
2. Fry the blended paste for a few minutes.
3. Add in kurma or curry powder. Stir the powder into the paste evenly.
4. Add in santan. Stir evenly.
5. Add three cups of water (or you can use the stock from the beef).
6. Add in salt, brown sugar, chicken stock cubes, and assam jawa juice.
7. When the beef cutlets are ready, add the beef cutlets.
8. Add kaffir leaves and turmeric leaves.
9. Stir evenly and simmer until dry.

Of Mr.Best-Man-at-Sister's-Wedding

I can't remember the last time i got dressed up, but this evening, i put on a white halter neck top i bought in Singapore and moisturized my lips to make sure they are, well, kissable.

My boss  turned 38 this week. He only had two friends, myself included. Sad little person.

So, his two friends invited him out for a drink. In the meantime, Mr.Best-Man-at-Sister's-Wedding asked if i was free for the night.

Being single means that you get to Sophie's Choice yourself once in a while. I'd like to go out for a drink with Mr.Best-Man-at-Sister's-Wedding and indulge in harmless flirting, and maybe if God agree, we could snuggle for a bit (yes, i am dying for a man's touch. I don't even mind if he's related!). On the other hand, it's been years since my boss and I hung out for a drink and I'd really like to catch up with him.

So I invited Mr.Best-Man-at-Sister's-Wedding along for my boss's birthday party. I half expected Mr.Best-Man-at-Sister's-Wedding to decline, but he agreed.

[wow!]

The session went well. We talked about work and how to Jack Donaghy in power meetings (did you know that you must wear dark colored tie such as red, navy, or black during power meetings? Try checking out Obama's tie).

Everything was interesting, and then, Mr.Best-Man-at-Sister's-Wedding stroked my thigh with the back of his hands.

It.
Felt.
Good.

I have to be honest. It felt really good for two seconds until i remembered the promise i made to Friend from High School and Dude from Work (and myself, of course). If i get into sex, they'll walk out of my life so fast, my panties would spin.

So, NO. As much as I'd like to do the nasty with Mr.Best-Man-at-Sister's-Wedding, i went home instead.

Play on, Playa.

Of Stumbling Sometimes

Dude from Work made me feel guilty about replying my ex's  text messages with one liners.

"He's finding his way back. Isn't that's what you wanted?"

The problem is, what if he wasn't finding his way back?

"That was part of your strategy. To accept him back regardless when he wants to come back. So you shouldn't give him one liners. He's trying to make a conversation."

"Well, he SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT."

But, i messaged my ex nonetheless. I asked him to call me whenever he's free.

And he did.

We didn't say much though, because the moment i texted him, i regretted it. I felt like i'm passing the ball back to him. 

I quickly regained my self control.

I do not want to continue sitting on hope. I do not want to get hurt again.

So, ladies (and possibly gents), i've learned one trick today.

Everytime there's a glimmer of hope, remind yourself that HEALING YOURSELF is your first priority. Keeping your hopes up means that you're opening yourself up to more pain.

Instead of what if there's still hope, think next time i will give my love to someone deserving.

Of This Full Circle

My Ex texted me the following: 

"I'm quitting this company soon. Just FYI. I'm starting a new company."

So, how am I supposed to swallow this information? With a glass of sour milk?

If he's finding a way back, this is not the way. Just like using the watch as an excuse to see me a week ago.

All he need to do is call me. Call me and tell me we need to talk.

For me, unless he states his intentions clearly, I think we've wasted enough time.

Of course, that message could be his ultimate Fuck You. He's telling me that he's doing so much better without me.

I'm a poor judge when it comes to reading between the lines.

So I replied:

"I wish you all the best."

Personally, when you are matured and yet you can make immature decisions, you've become a liability.